


flat line

by sleepingatnight



Category: Haikyuu!!, haikyu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Kissing, M/M, Song fic, Suicide Attempt, inspired by tøp's cover of cancer, sad kageyama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-15 11:05:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8053870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepingatnight/pseuds/sleepingatnight
Summary: "you've been diagnosed with neuroblastoma, which is a cancer found in small glands of your kidneys. i'm so sorry, hinata." one minute in your life, you think that everything is going fine. then, the next, your entire world is falling apart and you cannot scream or hide or find a solution except to persevere and get through it. and you'll think that it will never end, but then in the blink of an eye, it's gone.inspo by tøps new cover of cancer





	flat line

**Author's Note:**

> *pls note i've never had neuroblastoma and i do not know everything about it, so if something is inaccurate i am very sorry! post in the comments if i messed up on something so i can fix it :)
> 
> edit: punctuation fix and title change.  
> previous name was i will not kiss you because the hardest part of this is leaving you! sorry for any confusion

hinata was always an amazing person, with a never ending amount of energy, and a tinge of clumsiness. his jokes were always funny, even if i would never admit to it. he was beautiful in every shape and form, and even though we had our issues, we fell in love. a soft, warm type of love. it was just us against the world together. we were inseparable, no matter what.

-

"you've been diagnosed with neuroblastoma, which is a cancer found in small glands of your kidneys. i'm so sorry, hinata." 

one minute in your life, you think that everything is going fine. then, the next, your entire world is falling apart and you cannot scream or hide or find a solution except to persevere and get through it. and you'll think that it will never end, but then in the blink of an eye, it's gone. then, you wonder, did it even happen? did what i think happen seriously occur? or am i just thinking it did?

but it doesn't matter, because it's in the past. even when you feel as if you're looking through a television screen, it's real. 

and when the doctor told us that hinata had been diagnosed with cancer, i felt like it wasn't real. that this wasn't happening, it couldn't have been. cancer? how could he have gotten cancer?

"it's very rare and typically doesn't happen to people your age, i'm so sorry for this to happen." because that would just be the cherry on top. 

"you may want to consider surgery or chemotherapy," he suggested. the tears streaming down hinata's face made him unable to respond, so i nodded and told the doctor that we would be seeking the chemo soon.

it wasn't good dealing with knowing this information. knowing that something wrong was with hinata's body and yet we couldn't do anything but watch. i knew he was in pain, and of course hurt because of this sudden news, but i couldn't do anything. 

and we ended up not having the money for chemotherapy or surgery. we could only just sit there, couldn't do anything except watch things fall through. 

-

"kageyama?" 

"yes?"

"please don't get caught up in me and lose your time as well." that was the worst thing you could ever say.

-

 

i didn't like to acknowledge it, or talk about it. because that would mean it's real and that it did happen and i hadn't had hinata in my life anymore. it'd mean he had died and that he no longer exists and no one like him will ever exist again. did we ever actually play volleyball? were we actually ever enemies? did we actually fall in love? i didn't have answers, as if i'd say them if i did. it'd be too real, and reality sucks. 

watching his skin grow sickly, and thinner each day hurt more than i thought it would. refusing to eat, to do anything. "i'm too tired, kageyama," i don't want to hear it anymore. 

i want to be with you, why did it have to be you? 

 

"hinata, you only have a matter of time before you go. i'm very sorry, kageyama. i know it must be tough, but hinata is a real champion for going on this long!" i felt like i was suffocating, this situation isn't funny or uplifting. hinata, no longer on this earth. no one will be like him, no one will compare to his huge heart. 

his lips were chapped and bleeding, and he looked like he was dead already. you could only tell he had still been alive by his chest slowly moving up and down. he told me to call his family and tell them about the cancer finally, because he thought he could fight it and make it through. what agony they'd face that night. 

i didn't want to kiss him or touch him, because there'd be a time where i couldn't anymore. that would be too much to comprehend, for both of us. and all i wanted to do was to be there with him, but time doesn't stop for anyone. no matter how special you are, or well known, or rich you are; time doesn't stop ticking and the world keeps spinning. 

"please don't look at me, i know i'm terrible to look at." he'd only ever say that. he looked like shit, but i wouldn't say that ever. your looks don't matter now, i still love you as much as i did yesterday, and the day before that. and the months before we knew this would happen. i have always loved you.

-

 

i love him, i love him, i will never stop loving him.

 

-

i didn't know how much my heart would hurt until he started counting down the days till he were to be passing. 

just out of nowhere one day while he lay in his bed, i heard a faint "only five days". no emotion was found in his voice, he was waiting to die. i don't know what hurt more. 

"i've missed you natsu," he said. his voice was so weak, as if he was barely on the verge of croaking right there in front of me and his sister. 

she broke down crying at the sight of him and rushed to hug him, but he was so weak and overwhelmed just by her that i had to refrain her from doing so. she took a deep breath and sobbed lightly, and then he whispered "please don't stare" and she choked out a laugh. she talked about how she had met someone, and how nice he was to her. it was the first time i'd seen hinata smile in a while. 

it was probably the last time as well, but i don't want to think about that right now.

-

natsu only stayed for an hour then bid her goodbyes. that would be the last time either of us saw her, a harsh reality. 

-

when it was three days till the expected date of death for hinata, he broke down crying. i didn't know he had the energy to do so anymore since his face was usually dead like the rest of him.

"i don't want to die kageyama," he said. my heart ached and tears started to form in my eyes, "there's so much i haven't done yet! we never got married, we never went on that vacation in new york! i wanted to see the statue of liberty! i wanted to do so much! why me?!" he yelled as loud as he could. 

i couldn't tell if he was yelling at me, the sky, himself, or the staff of the hospital. it was probably all of the above.

-

"kageyama, i want to be buried with my favorite things." hinata said when there was two days left till the expected day he would decease.

"like what?" i held onto his hand and gave it a light squeeze while looking down at him on his hospital bed.

"maybe a volleyball, one of my crow plushies. if they could bury me with meat buns that'd be so cool." he let out a dry laugh. it couldn't help but feel tense and odd to think about him in a coffin. 

"of course shou." i tried to put on a smile, but hinata knew i was hurting and just smiled back and gripped onto my hand. 

-

"hey kageyama, i know you like writing. so if you ever write about my legacy, be sure to include that i am handsome and cool. and funny. and tall." 

he wasn't tall, but he was on top of the world.

 

-

"i want to eat all the foods right now." he stated the last night before he would pass. "every one of my favorite foods, a dinner of legends."

"am i able to make those foods or do i need to buy them?" i joked, he giggled. even with his pale skin and burnt out eyes, he glowed. how am i going to get over you? 

"of course! make everything you can and i will eat as much as i can." he smiled and i could feel my heart breaking.

i won't.

-

"kageyama"

"what is it dumbass?"

"if i died tomorrow, what would you do?" 

"i wouldn't care." 

i shouldn't have ever said that, because it wasn't true.

-

"the hardest part of this process isn't the cancer," hinata said at 1 in the morning on the expected date, "it's leaving you. and nastu, and everyone else. i'm sorry to have brought you through all this tobio. you don't deserve it. i brought you through all this, god i'm so selfish." tears started to form into his eyes, and then he looked up to the ceiling to keep them from falling. they ended up streaming anyway.

the hardest part of this all for me is watching you slowly decay each hour, i know you're going to be gone soon. please don't leave me shouyou. 

"i am going to miss you so much shouyou," i stroked his thin hair, "i'm going to miss your beautiful smile and your lame jokes and you."

because you complete me. i am no one without you.

he then pulled me down for a kiss. it was the best kiss we shared by far, even with the taste of tears and rice balls mixed with it.

-

i woke up the next morning and hinata's line was already flat. there were nurses and aids in the room, and everyone was rushing in and out of the room. i couldn't do anything but stand there and look at his body laying there. 

but what fucked with my mind most of all, was that not even three hours ago, i had made him some shitty rice and we were kissing and hugging and telling jokes. now there isn't anyone there but a rag doll of a body. 

-

i made sure hinata had all the things he loved in his coffin. we held the funeral services and everyone we hadn't seen in years was there. sugawara and daichi were there, and iwaizumi cried. hinata would've flipped his shit knowing that he made iwaizumi cry, but he would never know.

everyone told me they were sorry, but what do they know? they haven't seen hinata in years, how could they feel sorry? they didn't have the same connection i had with hinata. no one knew him the way i knew him.

-

i refused to speak to anyone after the services. noya and tanaka's energy reminded me too much of hinata's exuberant personality. aone made me think too much of hinata's kindness when i wasn't in my right mind and was broken down. nastu looked too much like him and i couldn't breathe when i saw her. 

i saw hinata in everything around me. it was too suffocating. 

-

"hey kageyama? if there's a time where i'm not around, live for me and you." he said with a smile on a random tuesday afternoon eating a bento on the school rooftop. 

"what asshole? there's two of us, that won't even work or happen so shut up and eat." 

-

i miss him more each day, i will never get over him. october 16th, fall. halloween. hinata's favorite holiday and season of the year. it reminded me all too much of him and i had to see my parents that entire month. 

-

"hinata would have wanted you to be happy now."

"hinata wouldn't want you grieving."

stop talking to me, you didn't know him like i did and you never will. 

 

-

i missed him, but i started to feel numb more and more each day to the feeling. oikawa had invited me out surprisingly and kindaichi encouraged me to come out more. i went once, and accidentally got too drunk and found myself taking off my clothes and clinging onto a stranger.

they had golden irises and flaming orange locks. i couldn't stop the tears from falling, it was too much. i couldn't breathe and i had to get out of there. he looked too much like hinata.

i can't get away from him.

-

the pain and regret would fill me each day, and i was only getting more and more mad and upset with myself.

how can i get away from him? why is everything filled with reminders of his stupid personality and stupid smile? 

i would stay awake till 6 in the morning each day, watching pointless television shows and seeing adverts for pointless objects that were overly priced.

the man selling knives would scream and scream into the microphone about what a good deal the set of 375 knives were. the advert came on so early, so i feel as if no matter how loud he yelled, no one is listening to him. i guess we have that in common; no matter how loud I yell and yell for answers, i am met with silence.

i'm scared of the quiet because it knows my thoughts and screams that i am lonely and grieving. 

-

maybe, if i ended it all then I wouldn't have to hear my thoughts anymore. maybe if i just died, and left the earth like hinata. 

i'm scared of the quiet, but it is oddly comforting.

-

i took the bottle of pain medication and dumped a handful into my palm. i squinted at them, as if they were glaring at me.

"what?" i said to them, maybe i really am losing my mind.

i quickly downed them with some water, and sat on my bathroom floor and waited for them to kick in.

i woke up in a hospital bed, iv connected into my arms. i ripped it out and screamed into the deafening silence.

"why can't i die?! why are you making me go through this pain?!"

-

my mom says i've really let myself go. she's disappointed and sad, so is everyone else. but no one really cares or understands. no one knew the real me except hinata. 

i was forced into rehab and therapy once a week to get over my emotions and to move on. a new me. it sounded too good to be true.

-

slowly, but surely, i started to feel like myself again. a better version of myself. i had made some friends at the therapy sessions, people like me. people who were hurting but sought out help and now feel okay. 

if they could get through it, I would too. but I would do it better, for hinata.

i miss you everyday, my first friend, my first enemy, my first lover. but maybe you passed for a reason? for a new me? for whatever reason it may be, i thank you for making a new me. i miss you and love you still, so much it hurts, but thank you for teaching me how to live again even when you were dead.

**Author's Note:**

> rest in peace evan


End file.
